It was a feeling, a prickly feeling, that had me up this night. “What if he doesn’t love me?”, “Or could I be wrong?”, “What if I merely jumping to conclusions being the over thinker that I am?”. All these thoughts and more filled my head at 3:26am, and it was looking like I was getting any sleep soon.
I understand that he was probably going through a rough phase, hence the reason for hitting me. On the other hand though, I’m not entirely sure that I do. I don’t understand why you would hit me for no reason at all. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t share your pain, when that was exactly what we promised to do for each other.
But what if he was merely upset about losing his job and that was why he hit me? What if he needed a means to let out all the pain and hurt? What if he just needed his space and that was why he ghosted me for a few days? Was I wrong to lash out at him when he hit me, when I could simply just be there for him the way he wanted me to?
I know he still loves me and that’s why he came back. He actually came back crying and apologizing, looking as broken as ever, and it definitely touched a part of me. So, why is this prickly feeling there? Why? Why am I looking at him now with a tightness in my chest? Why am I also reaching out to adjust the duvet just so he can be comfortable?
I remember when I was a little girl and I liked playing with the flowers in the compound. Everyone did actually, but there was a particular one with prickles all over it, and everyone just usually skipped past it. But that flower, that particular one with the prickles and spines was my favorite. Whether it was the pain that came from caressing its prickly stems, or the beautiful flowers that the plant boasted of that made it my favorite, I didn’t know. But what I know is that my heart broke when it was cut down. When I came back from school and noticed it was no longer there, something broke in me, and I’m not sure I’ve been able to ever fix it.
Akin is my favorite flower in the garden, despite all the pain, hurt and troubles that come with him. It’s scary and exciting at the same time living with him, and while there are bad days, like, extremely bad days, there are also the good ones. And those good ones make everything bearable.
As much as I want to leave, I also want to stay because I never want to ever feel the way I did when I lost my favorite flower. I don’t want another piece of me to remain broken forever.
I never ever want to lose Akin. I don’t want to lose my prickly flower again.
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