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Let’s Have Some Fun, Shall We?

Written by NiMechE Press

  • December 2, 2019
  • 8

It’s not the fact it takes forever to get a rider that annoys me, it’s that when I eventually get a rider he calls me and goes, “Hhello! Hhhhello! Where are you?

I thought I already had that conversation with the OPAY app!

Then, the next thing is, “Where are you going?” Shoot me!!

This rider rides up to me while I’m waiting by the roadside on a sunny morning, wishing I had cold pepsi pouring down my throat.

He takes his helmet off.

Alas! It is Bob Marley’s bastard son.

I mean no disrespect to Bob Marley, or Daddy Showkey, but he looked like Bob Marley and Daddy Showkey had a son together during the weekend.

Like, this is a lot of dreads. He doesn’t even need the helmet, which raises the question: How the hell did the helmet fit in the first place?

He did not look like the kind of person I wanted to be in a ride with, talk less have ride me. 

knock knock  

who’s there?

it’s Oride

Oride who?

Oh ride me to heaven!  

Phew! Anyway, what’s important is getting to Mr. Lespin’s class. Yes, that’s right. Mr. Eric Lespin, the white guy. He is presently the only white Lecturer in the department of Mechanical Engineering. Dr. Nosa used to hold that position but now, ashiri ti tu. I know how this might sound, but I’d say it anyway. I think I love him. Not just because he’s white and American and has an accent but because he has an accent, he’s American and he’s white!

Honestly, the word “white” should be a verb; the white people deserve it. Sentences like, “he was whiting away along the road and everyone was in awe of him” or “he whited into the bank and the cashier was happy to see him” all make sense. I’m not racist or anything, but we all know that the word “black” wouldn’t work as a verb. At the very least, it won’t paint the same pictures.

Here is the questionable thing about the white people though; their discovery of the world. In Basic School, they made us learn that Mungo Park first discovered what we now call Nigeria a couple of centuries ago. Now here’s my question. How do you discover a place that people already live in? I really don’t get it. Who do you think you are? More importantly, what do you think they are? Trees? Even worse, animals?

Imagine this. It’s a Saturday morning, the last Saturday of the month which means that there’s sanitation. Your dad is a religious man. He is in fact a pastor, so he ensures that the entire family takes part in the sanitation. You spend your whole day cleaning. Good thing is, there’s a wedding reception later that day so you are “hella excited!”. Y’all get to the wedding late because sanitation took longer than expected. Your dad parks on the street that’s just across the house opposite the venue. The family walks in and sits, waiting to be served. Remember that you haven’t eaten all day and everyone is really tired from all the cleaning. You spot a server, then you call her to your table.

Your dad asks, “Is there amala?”. She says amala has finished.

Your mom asks for pounded yam; she replies “Iyan ti tan”.

You ask for rice; she replies “What kind?”.

You say “Any kind,” she then pauses for a split second before saying “There is no rice”.

Pastor is furious but he manages to keep calm. He says “Let’s just greet the bride’s parents and go home, we’ll stop by a restaurant on the way.”

As you walk back to the car, from across the road it looks like someone is in the driver’s seat. You get to the car and find out that someone is. It’s a small bald man.

Pastor goes “Young man, what are you doing in my car?”

Small bald man goes “It’s not your car, I discovered it!”.

Wow. I bet Daddy will go from Pastor to Mafia Boss real quick.

That is what happened. In a region where there were kings; where there was culture and tradition; where people communicated in different languages, and the children received appropriate education and all of these things existed for many years. One man came with his different skin color, and till today he is credited for discovering that region. That is some white bullsugar! I’m saying “sugar” because I’m not allowed to say “shit” on an academic blog. But really I mean shit, like bullshit! Let me leave it here.   

PS: Don’t leave your comments to yourself. That’s what the comment section is for, you son of a… living God.

I am not a Writer





8 responses to “Let’s Have Some Fun, Shall We?”

  1. Ayo says:

    Absolutely loving it, you have a lot of admirers

  2. Nnamonu Praise says:

    Son of a… Guy

  3. Victor says:

    You discovered what??? Nice write up! Keep it up @I’m not a writer

  4. Boluwatife says:

    This was so much fun to read. Thank youuuuuu!!!!!!!!!

  5. Obinna says:

    This legit made my evening.

  6. Tomilayo says:

    Hilarious!
    From oride to Lespin to Mungo park!
    I like the story arc.

    Gbayiii!

  7. Adam says:

    Fascinating is the word…. I wonder if I can say I discovered America at age 5….. That was likely the first time I heard of the country………

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